Conflict Resolution in a Relationship as a Means for Individual Growth
© Gene Brockopp

Introduction

One of the most important outcomes that can occur as a relationship matures and moves beyond the initial romantic phase (where we see our partner only through rose colored glasses) into the realities of living with another person is how to deal with and resolve the apparently opposing ideas of freedom and commitment. How does one acknowledge and reinforce the right of each individual to be free while at the same time advocating the value of being in a committed relationship without undermining the freedom of the individual or the integrity of the relationship? This paper will discuss how the concept of shared needs can be used in conflict resolution to deal with these issues and move the relationship and the individual, both personally and spiritually, to a new level of growth and integration.

The major underlying premise on which this paper is based is that of “orders of love”. The initial sequence in the “flow of love” is from the individual to the relationship and then to the children or the family. Committed relationships and families need be built on the strength of the individual partners not on the fact that they are “committed” or that they have children. Promoting individual growth in the relationship can be the means by which the relationship grows not at the expense of the other but through the strength of the other. When the growth and integrity of the individual partner is of primary concern, a strong relationship and an emotionally healthy family can be the outcome. How this can be achieved though conflict resolution is the focus of this paper.

Background Concepts:

Committed relationships have had many different reasons for their development in human history. In more primitive societies, it served as a means of group solidarity, cohesiveness and control as well as a means to produce offspring or workers for the maintenance and the protection of the group. The statement in the Bible “be fruitful and multiply” was taken as meaning that the primary function of the adult male-female relationship was to have children. In a nomadic society, it was important to maintain continuity of the family structure. Stability of the relationship over time was strengthened by the fact that divorce was generally only a male prerogative and usually related to some aspect of sexuality e.g. inability to have children or sexual promiscuity both of which were considered only female problems and culturally reinforced.

After the beginning of the common era,(CE) religion became a dominant force in the Western World and with it, committed relationships became a sacred function. With this “blessing” and since options for changing anything in one's life was extremely limited and life expectancy was less than 50 years, lifetime relationships were the rule. With the development of the industrial revolution, and the many changes that it fostered, committed relationships became much more difficult to sustain over time but generally they did survive intact but often as a parallel relationship. Prior to the 1950's the concept of conflict resolution in a relationship would have not even been thought of by most committed couples let alone considered as necessary to the viability of the relationship. Decisions were made by the dominant member of the relationship (usually the male) and overtly agreed to (but often subverted covertly) by the non-dominant member. And the relationship continued, appearing outwardly stable through a reinforcing of the status quo. Growth of the relationship was thought of only in terms of what was, not of what could be. Once one committed oneself to a relationship, the idea of individual growth was usually sacrificed to the importance of the continuation of the structure of the relationship.

With the social upheaval and rapid change that has occurred since the 50's in almost all aspects of society the stability of most of the institutions has been severely shaken. Distrust of authority, questioning of the usefulness of institutions and the movement toward individualization of values, has resulted in an emphasis on the individual. Conflict resolution has developed as a way of dealing with the conflicting needs, patterns of behavior, various ways of functioning and the inability to integrate this diversity into the changing structure of a relationship. These have had varied levels of success, depending on whether they were judged by the standard “did they facilitate the continuation of the relationship?” or “did they facilitate the freedom of the individuals who were in the relationship”.

Today we may be at the end of this either-or, thesis-antithesis model. The longing to go back to traditional values and stability always takes place at points of change when people are convinced that what was is better than what is, and the way to resolve the issue is to go back to what was known and worked in the past. But this quick answer to a problem is seldom the best or final solution. What worked in the past depended on the context in which the previous model was developed and this context often no longer exists. One can “put new wine in old bottles” but it will probably burst!

To resolve this issue and the problems and challenges that arise in a committed relationship a new paradigm may be needed. The current paradigm of one's individual needs as being paramount was a necessary and healthy antidote to the over-reliance on institutions. It assisted us in developing a positive view of ourselves as potent individuals who could act on the environment to satisfy the needs that we had and protected us from the demands of the other and the world.

Now we recognize that this paradigm was a good but limiting concept, as it did not assist one in developing a method of working together with others for the common good or for the other's good. It also seemed to restrict us to seeing situations in a win-lose perspective.

When we think deeply about our evolution as humans, we may become aware that most of the development of our human qualities usually takes place in the social context of another who is equal to us. It is through our humanness and the I-Thou relationship, our common ground, that we can discover and uncover new facets of our potential. In this common ground, when our needs are juxtaposed against another's needs, a resolution must take place in which both needs are honestly considered.

Further, we may recognize that it is only within the context of a committed relationship over time that we can really deal with the issues of commitment and freedom. It is only in this milieu that these concepts can be seen over time from the perspective of two different and equally valid and respected views of reality. But we are not forced to resolve these issues. Faced with them on a daily basis, we can compartmentalize our life so that they are never really dealt with. To do so usually results in reducing the level of intimacy in the relationship, living a life that is based on a false sense of freedom and having a nagging feeling that unless we resolve these issues, we will always be stuck here.

We need a unifying concept to help us bring together with the need of society for continuity of relationships and the need of the individuals for freedom. The increased interest in the spiritual aspect of life (which is an individual approach) as opposed to the religious (which is a institutional approach) may give us a context which we can use to integrate our new understandings of the value and purpose of a committed relationship and the importance of the freedom of the individual.

To do this, we need to see the spiritual dimension, that is, the powerful connections that we can have with the divine in the universe, as the central, essential, and contextual aspect of our life. Then it is possible to see the relationship as an facilitative (but not only) mechanism for the individual's personal and spiritual growth and a means by which both the structure of the relationship and the evolution of individuals in the relationship can be seen as part of a larger cycle of growth and change. In developing this concept, let us first look at the reasons why individuals commit themselves to a relationship and how this is related to the meaning they give to the relationship.

The reasons for engaging in a committed relationship today may appear to be quite different from those of the past but often, in essence, they are quite similar. The common myth in our society is that people choose a committed relationship only because they love each other and want to be together for the rest of their lives.

Other less than conscious factors such as it is considered socially desirable, (all my friends are married) for cohesiveness, (I want someone to be with) to have children, (continuity and a sense of immortality) as a contractual agreement (two can live more economically) etc. figure strongly into the decision. These latter reasons sometimes may be the real, but unexpressed, reasons for initiating the relationship but in our culture, we give face value to the concept of love.

The meaning of the relationship, however, is quite different from the past when it was defined by the purpose specified by the social order or the church. Today, the value of the relationship and its continuation is often defined by the unconscious reasons why it was initiated and/or the value that it has to the participants at a point in time. Considered from this vantage point, the appropriate end of a relationship may be determined by whether or not it has achieved it's purpose. For example, if a committed relationship is initiated consciously for love but if the real, though unconscious, purpose is to have and raise children, when the children reach majority, the relationship may have no more purpose in continuing and should not be considered a failure if a divorce occurs.

Of course, a new purpose may develop as the relationship moves through time and this may be quite different from the values that the relationship initially had. Stated another way, some relationships may have achieved their purpose and need to end so that something new and better can emerge for the individuals involved. It is interesting to note that many marriage ceremonies include the statement “til death us do part”. In the present reality, there are many kinds of “death” other than physical death that many determine the end of a relationship. Being attuned to this possibility may assist us in keeping the relationship alive and growing. Generally, however, we would agree that the individuals are always more important than the institutions they create and when the institutions restrict the personal and spiritual growth of the individuals, they must be restructured or de-structured or the individuals will lose their freedom, value and integrity.

At this time, it is questionable whether the reasons for engaging in a relationship will undergo dramatic change in Western culture as they have existed over time and appear to have utilitarian value. What is open to change is the meaning and value that we give to a relationship. We need a new paradigm to guide us as to how to approach this situation.

The concept of shared needs, both human and spiritual, may be considered as one possibility. In this context, the value of individual needs are recognized, considered and developed within the concept of the shared needs of the partners. This does not mean that the needs of the individual are submerged but rather that considered by themselves, individual needs within the context of a relationship often become and/or are seen as demands which result in a win-lose power process occurring with each partner fighting for what they define as their needs. These needs, when attached to the person's sense of self or ego, often quickly become false symbols of the person's wholeness and are fought for as if the integrity of the person was at stake in the disagreement.

Shared needs being common to both partners are different. They are not attached to the individual egos but to the spiritual and human potential of each of the partners and it is expected that they will naturally evolve and change as the partners grow. They will also change as the relationship unfolds over its lifetime. The focus then shifts from a win-lose finite “game” (relationship) of “what is in it for me” (ego) to an infinite “game” (relationship) where the goal is the continuation of the relationship because of the value that it has to the growth of the individuals in the relationship. If a committed relationship is to continue to have vitality and life over time, it must add value to the primary individuals in the relationship; facilitate their growth as human beings, their growth on their spiritual path and their connection to the “ground of their being”.

To do this the relationship must be seen as a learning place where the partners can explore and deal with issues that have both an immediate value in their ongoing life, a value in their evolution as human beings and assist them on their spiritual journey. If the relationship can be structured and lived in this light, it's life will be not be bound by time.

Conflict resolution in the relationship will then take on a new meaning and value. Rather than focusing on merely resolving the issues troubling the relationship it will be seen primarily as means for the personal growth of the partners. The continuation of the relationship will be a natural outcome of the personal and spiritual growth of the partners and it will continue as long as both partners see it as the best means available to them for their growth as individuals and as partners. When this no longer takes place, the relationship may continue by other means but it will loose some of it's essential strength and vitality and will exist more in form than in essence. It may also end. This would be unusual if the relationship is vital and growing as the extent of growth, human and spiritual, available to individuals through a good relationship is more than most people can assimilate in one lifetime.

Concepts of Conflict Resolution as Growth .

To use conflict resolution as a means of personal and spiritual growth for the individuals in a committed relationship, we then need to construct a learning context in which this can happen. Central to this is that we see the individuals deepest needs within the concept of their shared needs to grow both spiritually and humanly. Through this method we can often attain both an understanding and fulfillment of the individuals immediate needs through resolving the current conflict and assisting their development and integration to a higher level of humanness and a deeper connection to their spirit.

To begin to do this we need to recognize and consider four different kinds of needs in a relationship that is committed to fostering the personal and spiritual (transpersonal) development of the partners.

1. Your needs.

2. Your partner's needs.

3. The relationship's needs.

4. Those needs shared by both partners

Each of these must be considered as equally valid. It is not safe to ignore or denigrate any of these classes of needs. When this happens, an imbalance in the perception of the value of needs often develops. If this occurs, the imbalance must be resolved with respect and honor both for the person and for the needs that they express. Let's look at these classes of needs in more detail.

Awareness of Our Needs

“If I am not for me, who is for me? If I am only for myself, I am for nothing.” - Rabbi Hillel

The first requirement for conscious living is knowing oneself and ones needs: the second is living one's truth while expressing one's needs. Many people believe, and many religions teach, that one must think of others first and self last: to do anything else would be selfish and self-serving. I think that this concept has developed because we have equated knowledge of self and one's needs with self-centeredness, functioning from the ego, having limited resources and functioning within a win-lose context. This does not have to be so with our present understanding of life. There is a great difference between knowing one's needs and being selfish because of this knowledge. Conversely, not knowing one's needs is not to be able to live one's own life. This is poignantly expressed in the following ditty:

When I was a child I did what my father wanted.

Now I am a father and I do what my son wants.

When can I do what I want?

If there is an personal evaluation at the end of this physical life, I think that the question we will have to address will be “have we truly lived our own life using the talents that we were given to assist us to grow and evolve as humans and used that awareness for the collective growth of our fellow human beings.” The saint may be one who's life is more God-like than human. For the rest of us who are evolving spirits in a human frame, will need to work on the awareness, development and expression of our human qualities which will then facilitate our giving to the other. Appropriate growth follows a necessary sequence of steps. As human beings we can best give out of our fullness and our awareness of ourselves and our needs, not out of our emptiness.

Furthermore, when we cannot acknowledge that we have needs, we clearly cannot tell our partner what our needs are. We then often think that our partner should naturally know our needs and when their behavior indicates that they do not, we often feel that we are unimportant, that no one cares for us and feel neglected and/or mistreated. The appropriate sequence then is to be aware of our needs first, for only then can we listen to our partner's needs and find a way for both of us to grow.

Knowledge of one's needs is also a part of a positive sense of self and the expression of them can give us an awareness of our personal power. Awareness on ones needs is a reflections of a healthy self image. In a growing relationship, it is essential that each person be in touch with how they feel, what they need to maintain their integrity as a person in the relationship and be willing to express these concerns to their partner.

The more we know and accept who we really are, the more centered we can be and the less we will submit to the control of others, the less reactive and oppositional (and the more understanding) we will be when the other person expresses their needs and the more we can surrender ourselves (without losing our integrity) to the needs of the relationship and to the shared needs of the partnership and especially to our spiritual growth

Differentiation of Needs

To effectively deal with our needs, it is important to define and differentiate needs , wants and preferences. In the context of this paper;

1. A need is either what we feel is essential to maintain the wholeness and integrity of our personhood and/or our ability to follow our spiritual path.

2 A want is something that would be consistent with the way that we would like to live or that would maintain our view of life.

3 A preference is a desired but not necessary action or way of being.

Although these are not separate but on a continuum, it is only when we differentiate between them that can we give appropriate value to each of them. Then we can be clearer about what we need to sustain our life , how we want to live and what is our preferred way of functioning in our life.

A useful exercise would be for each person in the relationship to deeply think about what their needs are (in terms of the above definition) at this time in their life and to put them down on a piece of paper. It may take some time and much thought before we can clarify our needs enough to express them. AS we do this, we need to recognize that needs will change and evolve over the course of our life. What was really important when we are 25 may be of secondary value when we are 50. We need to continually refocus and clarify the needs on which we are building our life.

It will be necessary to be clear about our more pervasive, present needs before we engage in growth-producing conflict resolution Only when we are clear about our needs can we really listen to our partner, truly hear them, express to them our needs and resolve the issue without either person feeling controlled.

Before dealing with a conflict in a committed relationship, it is useful for each person to ask themselves:

1. What are my needs in this situation? That is, what outcome do I need from this situation to live a life that is whole, integrated, growing and connected to the divine power of my Spirit?

2. What are my wants and preferences in this situation? These are often confused with and stated as needs.

3. What are my priorities regarding the above if I am unable to get all my needs, wants and preferences met? (These will be determined by my values and goals)

When we are clear about these answers, we can enter into a meaningful dialog with our partner which will build respect and understanding along with a resolution to the conflict. Often our real needs for growth are not readily apparent to ourselves and are confused with the ego win-lose needs.

Your Partner's Needs

To know our partner's needs means that we must listen to what our partner says are their needs - not assume that we know what those needs are without consulting the other person. It is not that we need to overtly agree with our partner about their needs. We do, however, need to acknowledge the validity of them. At this stage, what one needs is to open the heart and to listen with understanding and if desired , help the other to clarify their needs. This is very difficult to do in the midst of a fight. It is important to get past the superficial issues and to see that the process, and the wholeness that the process can lead to, is more important than winning the argument.

Questions that will help each person to understand the other are the following:

1. What do you need to come out of this conflict as a stronger and happier person?

2. What do you need from me now to feel more positively empowered and spiritually centered ?

3. How would you prefer that we resolve this disagreement?

4. What do you need from the resolution of this problem to assist you on your spiritual path?

The answers to these questions are often surprising to both partners and may lead to a solution that is different from what either initially thought. Solutions can be found or developed to most situations that do not require you to meet your partner's needs to your detriment. Not to do so will often result in an imbalance of power or control in the relationship which will need to be resolved or it will unconsciously sabotage the relationship.

The Relationship's Needs

One must also consider the needs of the relationship. For the committed relationship to be successful, it should be thought of as a living and growing process that needs nourishing from the energies of both people. If we are truly committed to building a working relationship, we need to begin by identifying and reinforcing the areas of compatible and/or common needs and values rather than focusing on and arguing about the areas of disagreement. We need to re-experience the joy we feel when we recognize the pleasure, satisfaction, comfort and security that this special connection with another human being has given us. This builds a positive and effective base and a partnership for resolution of the areas of disagreement on which we can construct a future.

Questions like the following may be helpful in focusing on the needs of the relationship:

1. What was it about the relationship when it began that made each of us feel warm and loving and how can we manifest those qualities now?

2. What strengths have we developed over the years as partners and how can we use them now?

3. What does the relationship need now to nourish and strengthen it and help it to move to a deeper level of intimacy?

These questions asked and honestly answered often results in the partners recognizing that they have compatible needs. Then they may see themselves, each other and the problem differently.

The Shared Needs

The shared needs of the relationship are the most intangible and the most powerful. Their effect on the process and outcome of conflict resolution is profound. The shared needs of the relationship are those help us to transcend the mundane: they are related to our awareness and development as humans on a spiritual path and assisting the spiritual growth of our partner. They are part of the everyday interactions that occur in every committed relationship but the their focus is the evolution of the person toward wholeness of body, mind and spirit. What these elements will be will depend on the quality and level of the relationship but common elements will be found in each of them. These will be those aspects that enhance and extend the evolution of each individual in the relationship toward being a more aware, whole and fully evolved human who is able to move beyond the known experiences.

There are four primary areas of our interaction with our partner in which this can take place:

1. A movement toward understanding and integrating those shadow reflections (our dark, negative side that moves against life) of us that we find hard to own in ourselves. By seeing our partner as our “loyal opposition” who can help us to see ourselves by serving as a mirror, we can see the process and results of our actions. Through this process, which may take a long time, we can often re-own the energy that is bound up in our shadow and learn to use this energy to expand the expression of ourselves rather than to be controlled by it. In this way, we gain the greater freedom of being more conscious individually through our commitment to the relationship.

2. The expression, enhancing and nourishing of our positive characteristics through which we can unfold our true being in a trusting context of caring and love. Caring and protecting, as if it were our own, the inherent integrity, beauty and value that our partner has as a unique human being reinforces and facilitates our own development. The deepest levels of trust in which we can know ourselves as we are known, is only possible in a relationship that is committed over time. Our best is manifested in a state of grace, which is present in a loving relationship.

3. Becoming more whole in our humanness through accepting and modifying our weaknesses by learning and by making our partner's strengths our own, For this to happen, it is important that one partner wants to assist and that the other partner wants to develop this aspect of their life. (This is not a “you should have this characteristic and I will help you” but rather assisting the partner to develop the attribute they desire) Each person brings strengths and/or characteristics to the relationship that are admired (sometimes unconsciously) by their partner. These may be ways of thinking, problem solving, expressing feelings, relating to other people, attitudes toward the world, loyalty, spontaneity, creativity, security etc.

These are often the underlying and subtle reasons why we find the other person so fascinating and desirable--they have what we are missing and want. Parts of us admires (sometimes envies) these characteristics and since we do not have them, wants to learn how to make them our own so we commit ourselves to the person who has them. In the ongoing process of the relationship, what often happens is that rather than learning from the other person and developing these characteristics ourselves, we use them in a neurotic way to fill up our holes or to make up for our weaknesses and as a result, never really attain or feel our wholeness. If we can see our partner as a teacher who can help us through modeling their strengths and assisting in the development of those strengths in ourselves, that which may have begun as a neurotic need will develop into a strength and two people who, being more free, integrated and whole, can now relate to each other on a more equal basis.

4. Understanding that for many people, one of the purposes of life is the expressing and evolving of the human spirit. Through the process of living with others, or through having other intimate relationships, we become aware of the spiritual basis of our existence and the unity and sacredness of all of life. To see in our partner the “face of God” is to move beyond form and see our partner through the eyes of our love. To do this when we are in conflict with them is to see beyond the conflict into the essence of who they are and recognize that they share with us the common bond of a spirit existence in a human frame. This awareness may help us to see the problem in a new perspective. To see and acknowledge our common frailty as humans and our less than perfect spiritual expression in this life is to see ourselves as human beings. To understand and/or to forgive one who is in the same place as we are is not too difficult for it is what we would want and need for ourselves. Our bringing together and acknowledging the spirit and the essence in ourselves and in our partner is a step toward our own wholeness.

Questions that may help to clarify this area include:

1. What are my partner's strengths that I depend on, admire and want to develop in myself?

2. How can I model for my partner those strengths in a way that will facilitate her/him learning them?

3. How is my shadow side expressed in my life and how can my partner help me to see it?

3. What is it that gives me a sense of security and awareness of being loved?

4. What is the spiritual foundation of our lives and how is it expressed?

Asking Empowering Questions

Conflict in a relationship often results in each partner feeling less than whole. One response to move into a survival pattern of behavior and to try and feel stronger by reducing the strength of the other through criticism or negative statements. If it is truly a committed relationship, questions that will empower either of the partners can be used. These will assist the obtaining of more meaningful information on the conflict and place it in a new context where both can grow. Sometimes these questions can be used after a conflict is resolved. This can be a preventative measure to place a different context around the next potential conflict.

Questions like the following may be useful:

Empowering questions can also be used individually;

Growth Through Conflict

It is useful to see the resolution of a problem or conflict in a committed relationship as a process that can achieve more than just a resolution--it can be a vehicle that brings growth to both the individuals involved and to the relationship. To do so requires a number of steps to achieve a goal that is undefined and unknown. Too often we want an answer immediately to “solve” the disagreement. More realistic is to find some small actions that begin to lay a foundation of trust and working together and establish the concept that we are a team and that there is something more here than just a problem to be solved. Conflict resolution is not having a grand design and following it but rather is an ongoing process of discovery as two people learn how to create new possibilities together one step at a time. Being open to each others needs and ideas develops a synchronicity in which the outcome may be quite different as the focus is on the creative possibilities and not on the former patterns of destructive behavior and “who did what”. The question should be “What can we do as a beginning to resolve this issue?” As you develop an expectation of teamwork to deal with any problem or challenge that either partner has in or outside the relationship, you are encouraging and enhancing the power within your relationship and developing a partnership for conflict resolution. This reinforces the concepts of trust, harmony, self-empowerment and relationship growth.

It is also important to recognize that the best way to create harmony around us is to seek greater harmony within us. We can do this by overcoming our anxiety, defensiveness and ego-centeredness when we are in a conflict situation through reconciling the differences that are inherent within ourselves. Parts of us wants to be patient, kind, have empathy and be understanding and grow with or partner while the other parts of us want a quick solution, to stand up for our “rights”, be courageous and strong and to win. We need to harmonize these energies within ourselves before we can cleanly work with our partner or they will sabotage our efforts. This is accomplished through internally confronting our shadows and our strengths in the same spirit of conflict resolution and partnership and create a new pattern of harmony within ourselves. The outcome of the process is an integration of ourselves and our essential energies, an internal harmony with a sense of peace and serenity which can then be extended to our relationship and to our world.

Conflict resolution is often seen as a necessary means to resolve a problem and get the relationship back to a point of equilibrium. I think that it can be much more than that. In this method of resolving a conflict, the process itself can be the vehicle by which two people can explore aspects of themselves while furthering the growth of each other toward the goal of being what they have the potential to become on their spiritual path. What is really to be dealt with and resolved, is not just the problem that is the focus of their personal energy, but more importantly, the issues that relate to their individual growth. Seeing conflict resolution in this way, the individuals freedom is not lost nor submerged to the relationship. Rather it is enhanced or expanded. If we can see the needs of the other and the relationship as a means to greater freedom for ourselves through the growth of our spirit, (the ultimate goal of which is unknown to us) maybe we can transcend both our past and our ego and open ourselves to the freedom of possibilities greater than we can imagine. The obverse is also true: not to do so is to remain stuck at that point in our spiritual development.

Being in a committed relationship then does not merely mean that one is committed to the other person. The commitment is to the other, to the relationship, to the shared needs of each partner and to one's self. The commitment gives each person the possibility and the responsibility to grow and evolve on their spiritual path within the freedom of the relationship. This is what this method of conflict resolution in a committed relationship has the potential to do.

Techniques to enhance conflict resolution:

Here are some methods that can be useful in dealing with conflicts in a committed relationship. They are only tools; no one method is best. It is important to find the method that best fits your relationship and your personality. They must never be used a “clubs” but discussed and agreed to by the partners before being used.

1. Use a talking stick that each of the partners holds while talking . This stick gives that partner the right to speak without interruption while the other person is to listen attentively, with the intention to understand what is being said. Roles then are reversed (after an agreed period of time, if necessary).

2. Holding hands while discussing an issue can help to reinforce the continuity of the relationship during the disagreement. This is only useful when the issue does not involve the needs of either partner for distance or separation from the relationship or when the intensity of emotions requires distance.

3. Looking at each other while talking can enhance the process by increasing the flow of information. Also, sometimes taking a quiet walk together and holding hands can do more (and place the issue in the perspective of an ongoing relationship) than hours of discussion.

4. Agreeing to discuss an issue (or agreeing to wait to discuss an issue) and agreeing on a specific time to do so (now or in the near future) can be helpful especially when either partner feels too emotionally involved to discuss the issue at the present time.

5. Limiting the discussion to resolving one area of concern at a time is helpful. Try to refrain from “chaining” issues together. This only confuses the problem and guarantees that nothing will be resolved.

6. If your pattern is that a discussion leads to shouting, agreeing to go to a public place for the discussion can limit that process. Or find a place where both of you have pleasant memories of your relationship and the discuss the issue. The context can affect the result.

7. Since leaving is an ultimate form of control, when agreeing to a discussion, neither partner should leave the situation without clarifying what the leaving is about and agreeing on a time for resumption of the discussion. The integrity of each partner is of utmost importance and must be respected by both.

8. If possible, do not use emotional or prejudicial words or exaggerations as they only enflame the situation, polarize the issues and do not assist the process of resolution. Notice that males will tend to focus on the facts and will be righteously indignant if they are not exact while females tend to focus on the feelings and will consider the facts to be of less importance. Both need to see the situation from the others perspective to resolve the problem and to grow themselves.

9. Do everything that you can to increase the flow of information between the partners especially when there is a problem in the relationship. Communication is the flow that reduces insecurity and allows the relationship to grow. Do not equate the giving of information with giving your partner control of the relationship.

10. The more that the issue or problem can be seen from the perspective of an ongoing and continuing relationship the better the outcome will be. Do not threaten, force or demand. They only lead to greater problems.

11. Always try to move the discussion toward the goal of clarifying, being understood and understanding the other person. This can only happen if you let your partner know you as you are known by yourself. Risk and be open, compliment your partner, acknowledge your part in the issue and help your relationship to rise above the petty and sordid and think about your relationship as a means by which both of you can grow in your awareness of yourself and your ability to be intimate with another human being.

12. It is usually impossible to resolve an issue when either partner is bound up in anger, fear or hurt. These feelings must be dealt with first and this does not mean telling your partner that they have no reason to feel that way. How this will be done will depend on your relationship. Sometimes a partner will want separation to let the feeling subside. Others will want to talk them out. If this can be done without recrimination or guilt being the major outcome for either partner, it can be very healing for both. Sometimes a third party is necessary to get the partners to the point that they can effectively resolve conflicts.

13. Accept the reality that you are trying to influence your partner and that your partner is trying to influence you - this is a natural part of any close relationship. In fact, in a good relationship each person's actions will probably be influenced about 75% of the time by what their partner would do in that given setting. This does not mean that each person is controlling the other: it means that they respect, and would consider, their partners viewpoint before engaging in an action. If you can, when you are in a conflict situation, begin by talking about the aspects of the problem on which you can agree. This sets the stage for resolution by focusing on your agreements. This can also be used when everything else fails and a resolution is not forthcoming. Before you end with the conflict unresolved, clarify for each other the areas you can agree on. This reinforces the continuity of your relationship (“loyal opposition”) and the areas of conflict. Maybe this is the best that you can do at this time and you can live “parallel lives” in that area of the relationship.

14.Do not come into the discussion with a pre-commitment to a defined outcome. Express your position strongly if you must, but hold it lightly. Be open to alternatives and to creative exploration. Growth only takes place at the edges or at the interface with the other. Putting your future in the security of solutions that have worked in the past does not expand the possibilities or the horizons of your life. It just gives you more of what you already know and may result in re-living the same issue at another time.

15.Getting professional help is not a sign of weakness. Obtaining outside assistance from someone both partners trust, should not be a last resort. Relationships are difficult in any culture or society. With all the pressures and demands of this one, objective, caring assistance from a trained individual may clarify what needs to be done to facilitate the growth of the individuals and the continuation of the relationship.

 

 

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